Today's Woot Write-up
With no retina tracking, no psycho-link interface, and an utter dearth of sentient intelli-control technology, this is one TV you’ll want to steer clear of.
Due to an internal temporal mix-up here at Woot, this review was actually written on 5/23/2031, not 5/23/2013. We apologize for any confusion.
We wanted to like this product. Really, we did. Unfortunately, things started to look fishy right from the start. Upon taking it out of the box (yeah, it actually comes in a box!), we were shocked to find that the TV is a whopping four inches deep. You read that right - this thing is more obtrusive than a mandatory government compliancy scan! Maybe they were going for that retro feel, but authenticity should only be taken so far; when we tried to pick it up, the thing weighed a crushing 18.7 hundredunits (or “41.4 lbs,” whatever that means). We spend enough time doing forced labor in the uranium mines, thank you very much!
Let’s talk features. One feature I’d like to see: ACTUAL FEATURES! The resolution on this is a paltry 1080p. And good luck trying to connect anything to it. "HDMI?" "USB?" How about a good ol’ wireless neural interface? The TV comes with a remote control, which seems sorta cute until you realize that you HAVE to use it. That’s right; there is absolutely no retinal tracking technology. You’d have more luck trying to take control over your weekly obedience adjustment session!
The DynaLight® feature is advertised as providing heightened realism, but we tried multiple times interacting with the characters on the screen with absolutely NO reaction. I’m not talking about just a delay; it was almost as if the characters on the screen couldn’t see or hear us AT ALL. Call me traditional, but when I’m interacting with a machine, I expect it to tell me what to do and administer a punishment volt when I disagree!
Bottom line is that this is for collectors ONLY. If you want an archaic piece of technology that may have been impressive twenty years ago, then this might be for you. Everyone else, steer clear. And as always, All Glory to Our Masters, as all things flow from Them.
